CHAPTER XI : Forget me not

Growing up seemed to happen in jumps instead of steps. Persephone still felt like she had barely graduated high school, yet five years had passed her by. She looked the same, but who she used to be was gone. It was like she had tucked her true identity away into some fold of her heart to protect it from getting lost, and then forgot where she put the key.

Katrina had a lot going on in her life during all these years too. The same life events unfolded for her. Looking back, Persephonè couldn't shake the feeling that Katrina seemed to move through life a few steps behind her. Engagement. Marriage. Motherhood. It wasn't exact, but it happened often enough that she began wondering whether her sister was learning from her...or competing with her.

It should have made sense then, why Katrina wanted to occupy Persephonè's free time. She often made plans to get together on weekends so the kids could play. On the surface it looked harmless, healthy even. Katrina's husband, Jett, was also like a brother to Persephonè so she never felt like a third wheel. Persephonè and Jett were good friends in fourth grade but drifted once middle school hit and the cliques got formed. He didn't resurface in her life again until he started dating Katrina in high school. They all became close with the addition of a boy named Matthias who followed Persephonè around like a lost puppy. Matthias and Persephonè met in art class and he took an instant liking to her and stayed by her side, her locker, in hallways..everywhere thereafter. He asked her out repeatedly through high school but she always said no. She just didn't think of him that way, he was her good friend. After he graduated ahead of Persephonè, he went into the army. He left her a Black Hills gold necklace as a keepsake along with his army picture and a note. They didn't keep in contact and she didn't see him again.

One day while Katrina and Persephonè were letting the kids play, Katrina mentioned Matthias. She had apparently been keeping in contact with him.

"You know, Matthias just broke up with his long time girlfriend. You should connect with him again, he always liked you." suggested Katrina.

Persephonè hadn't even thought about dating again at this point because for one, she didn't have time to think of such things. It felt selfish. And two, she felt like nobody would want her anymore. She was damaged goods.

Katrina always seemed to know exactly what to do, just not in the way Persephonè believed. Thinking about it, Persephonè realized that Matthias was someone who knew her at her best. Maybe if someone remembered the old Persephonè clearly enough, she could find her way back to being that girl too. She seemed to think who she had become was unlovable, so who she used to be was all she had. Only someone from her past would take a chance on her now. Besides, he knew her whole family. He would even go over to her house in high school when she wasn't there and hang out with her mom. Maybe she was meant to be with him all along. After their conversation, Katrina never helped Persephonè get in contact with him. It felt like she was just taunting her. But the seed had been planted. Persephonè reached out to a friend of his to pass along that she was looking to get a hold of him not knowing if he would take up the request.

It wasn't long before he reached out and mentioned she could come to his party that weekend. It was Mitch's weekend with Anne, so it worked out well. Everything seemed to fall into place. She was nervous. Would he recognize her? Did he still care for her?

It was awkward walking up to a house full of people she didn't even know, in a town she hadn't been to before. She had to muster up courage with each step to keep going. She almost turned away. She felt like a stranger crashing someones wedding. As she walked in the door she instantly felt like she didn't belong. People stared. She couldn't tell if it was her insecurity or if people were actually judging, but it didn't feel welcoming. Matthias saw her and smiled...but he seemed different. He was a grown man now with tattoos and a confidence she hadn't remembered. There was something missing. Interest. He treated her like just another girl at a party. She wondered if he invited her simply so she could see the life he built without her. She felt sad and guilty for some reason. She didn't stay long and quietly said "It was nice to see you again." and left. To her surprise, he reached out again and wanted to meet up. Looking back, she couldn't remember when friendship became dating. It happened so quietly that it felt as though it occurred overnight. He introduced her to his military circle and once again she was in a new world. Once again, she didn't feel like she quite fit in, but it felt like she had a life again.

Dating Matthias was not what she had expected. He was not the same boy she knew growing up and his eyes looked at her differently...and not for long. Could he tell she was different too? She feared this much was true.

Sometimes she felt herself trying to be the girl he remembered and hoping that being with him would bring her back.

Ultimately, she was just grateful to have someone that accepted her and her daughter. He really didn't get to know her daughter real well though because most of their time together was on weekends when Anne was at her dad's. The scene was full of bars and bonfires. A different backdrop than what she was used to, but once again she became what she needed to be for the sake of others and to fit in.

It wasn't long before Persephonè realized that Matthias was a severe alcoholic. Because of this, he had lost his drivers license and never bothered to get it back. Later she would realize that this dependence on others, also meant he always had a sober cab. Because Persephonè never a drank, she quietly became the dependable one. She went from a non drinking relationship to one drowning in it. It caused a few arguments, but Persephonè was more accommodating and accepting than most would be. After all, she didn't think she deserved any better. On one occasion Matthias dumped all his liquor he had at her apartment down the drain to show he was trying. But this of course only meant he had to go out with the guys to drink, which he enjoyed more than spending time with her and Anne. There were nights where his friends would drop him off and she'd help carry him to her apartment. It amazed her how unbelievably heavy his drunken weight could become. His skin felt clammy and cold like the liquor was coming out of his pores. She wondered if it was possible for sweat to taste like alcohol. Was it something that happened in the military that made him this way? Or could he be saddened by the loss of his long time girlfriend? She felt like she was more than likely a rebound relationship to Matthias. Doubt had made a permanent home in her heart and was comfortable there. She hoped with time he would grow to open up to her, for them to talk more, learn the depths of each others thoughts...but he never really talked much. They both seemed to be living on auto pilot now. Maybe it was hurt that they had in common.