CHAPTER VIII : Natural Instincts

Time has a way of healing things and Persephonè always felt like she was waiting on time. Luckily, her father-in-law had a tendency to feel like everyone was using him, so he was just gone one day. No heads up or notice. She realized that maybe it was better that way. She could actually respect him for that. It was clean.

This gave some much needed fresh air to their home and Persephonè felt comfortable to roam the house freely again. And even though the pressures were ripe from his church, Mitch never pressured Persephonè to start having kids. It was Persephonè that actually brought it up. She didn't even know why. It was not like she had this calling deep inside her to be a mother or that she was suddenly struck by baby fever. It was just the next thing that was expected. She was good at doing what people expected her to do. And maybe if she just completed all these tasks, everything would be better.

She thought becoming pregnant would be exciting, but when it became a reality, she became quietly terrified. Nobody would guess by the way she carried herself everyday, but she had no clue about what to expect. Mitch even looked at her as less than capable. After all, he was around tons of kids all the time in his culture. His sisters treated her like they knew more than her too. In many ways they did, but something just didn't feel supportive about the way they handled it. Maybe it just hurt her pride. Her guardian angel would end up being her lactation consultant. She worked with the hospital, teaching childbirth and breastfeeding classes before helping mothers after delivery.

Persephonè worked all the way up to her due date as a waitress at the local country club. She was scheduled to continue to work through it as she didn't feel she was even close to going into labor, but she went into labor the next day, exactly on her due date. At first she really just thought she was constipated and needed to go to the bathroom. It was Mitch that realized she was going to the bathroom in what became predictable intervals. The reality of it was just too much. Her water never broke like you see on TV, nothing so obvious. She was afraid. Panicked. This overwhelming need to call her mom came over her. She told her she was scared and that they were on the way to the hospital. Her mom, rather coldly, stated that she was busy and maybe she could be there once the baby was born and to let her know. She broke down crying in the car. Shaking with sadness and fear, with Mitch fueling the fire like he was always good at. She felt alone.

Her labor went very well though. There was no dramatic story of pain and struggle that she always heard about. She had an epidural, felt no pain, and slept for most of it. Her labor lasted a normal workday. Mitch even left the hospital to go shopping with his sisters, coming back just in time for her to push. In two pushes, her daughter was born. Anne. Very healthy. Beautiful.

She didn't feel this overwhelming joy seeing her baby for the first time like people show in movies. She had been on auto pilot mode for so long...But this moment was different...it was like she was deeper into autopilot if that is even possible. She was shocked the day they told her she could go home. Like...what? She was just allowed to leave with a new tiny baby of her own? She came in a regular woman and left as a mother. And everyone was fine with that. It was the most surreal experience she had ever had.

She did however, have natural mother instincts, and she leaned into them fast and hard right from the start. She knew what was best for her baby. A strength grew in her out of sheer necessity. She didn't plan it, she transformed overnight. The hardest part of the whole experience for her was the healing at home part. She had torn, was healing from the stitches, and her nipples were raw and bleeding from nursing. The pain nonstop from various parts of her body. The teachings of her lactation consultant helped her through it all and finally by the second week, she came out of autopilot overdrive. She had been running off very little sleep. But one night, while nursing, this wave of love came over her as she watched her daughter. In that moment, a piece of old Persephonè was reborn. The girl that would rescue animals in defiance, that lived her summers in the woods making tree forts, the girl who raised raccoons through middle school. That spark, that spunk, was re-lit.

She was a natural mother. It was a different kind of auto pilot now. It was a deep rooted knowledge that ran through DNA instead of being taught. She started to trust her instincts more and Mitch less.

She hated the thought of leaving her daughter. But finances were tight and the plan was always for her to go back to work. There was a company outing that she needed to attend first, and an ache in the pit of her stomach came over her. But there was nothing she could do. She had to go. It was the first time she was leaving her Anne for a long period. But Mitch reassured her that he would be with his family and everyone has raised a ton of kids and that he knew what to do. The minute she got back and stepped foot inside her home, Persephonè knew something was not right. She could feel it in the air. She bolted to her daughter who, upon hearing her mothers voice, went into a frenzy. Anne started shaking with a type of excitement that was closer to anxiety and relief combined. She began to gorge herself from hunger. Turned out, Mitch left her in her car-seat for most of the time. He said she didn't want to eat and wasn't hungry all day. She had not eaten one ounce of breast milk the whole time Persephonè was gone. All she could bring herself to do was glare at Mitch in disdain. After feeding, Anne projectile vomited it all back up. Her daughter had undergone a huge amount of stress and hunger all day and Mitch had not registered it at all.

Pressures continued for them to join the church, even more now that they had a baby. But that was one thing Mitch could never get Persephonè to do. He could never fully get her to conform. One night, they were invited over to someones house for supper and a visit. Seemed like a normal event. But plans were being concocted behind Persephonè's back. She was unaware of the den she was walking into. What started as a normal night of visiting somehow turned into her sitting alone in the middle of the room. There was a shift in the air. She could smell the stench of secrecy. She locked eyes with Mitch who looked down, unable to fully look her in the eye, almost in shame. It proved to Persephonè that he knew this was the plan all along. The whole room took turns telling Persephonè all the ways she was going to hell for not joining their church. That she needed to repent and start attending. She had no idea how much time was passing as this went on. She could feel her face go pale in shock. She became so numb she didn't even register what was being said to her anymore. Time was in slow motion for her. She glanced around, not knowing how to escape. Her daughter was sleeping in her arms and all she could do was rock her to keep her from waking to this environment. Even though nobody was yelling, she felt under a brutal attack. She felt betrayed by her husband. She had no clue how long she sat there, her body absorbing all the hateful remarks towards her. She would occasionally look to Mitch for help, for him to defend her like he always appeared to be able to do. But he wouldn't look at her. He only nodded his head in agreement with every remark that was said.

She didn't remember getting up or going home, she couldn't recall all the events of the night. Time was suspended. When crossing the threshold of her own home, her body sort of malfunctioned. She went straight to bed in tears. Not like you think. These were no ordinary tears. It was as though her body was crying while her mind simply watched. She started shaking uncontrollably with a shiver that would not quit. She had to put Anne in her crib which she never did until she could relax. She was not in control of her own body. It felt like hours before is slowly subsided and scooped up her daughter and fell asleep.

Distance continued to grow between Herself and Mitch after that night. He tried to get her to go get a second part time job, Instead, she quit her job. Needless to say, they were rarely intimate. He began staying up long after she had gone to bed. She never questioned what he was doing until one morning, when something deep inside her told her to look at the computer. What she found was her way out. He had created dating profiles, claiming he was single with no children, carrying on conversations with multiple women. She printed off all the evidence, laid it all out on the table. She never felt she deserved much, but she knew her daughter did. At twenty-two years old with a ten-month old baby, Persephonè packed their suitcases and left.