CHAPTER I : Daydreams & Memories

Little girls often imagine themselves becoming fairy princesses or fierce warriors. Persephonè dreamed of being both. Her imagination blended The Secret Garden, Little Women, Narnia and Hogwarts into one world.  Perhaps the places she lived left an unseen mark on her too. After all, she lived in an old Victorian era house before the move out into the country. It had carved woodwork, small stained glass windows above the doors that flooded the floor with colors when the sun hit them just right, and a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that stepped right out of a game of Clue.

Her memories of that home left a lasting impression on her. For instance, one day while bored, Persephonè decided to challenge herself. A game with child-level courage. She decided to conquer the tall, steep stairs. At each step, she would jump down to the landing, testing how high she could go and still safely land. As she stepped higher, it felt as though she could fly. She moved in slow motion with what felt like an invisible arm around her waist lowering her to the landing each time. This made her feel somewhat invincible. So she continued. Until finally a wave of thought came over her. Not her own...more like someone or something was letting itself be known. It was not an angry message...more annoyed. Like a babysitter not wanting to play a game any longer. That wave of thought...if that makes any sense at all...relayed to her firmly; 'that's enough now'. She never told anyone. Not because it felt strange, but because it didn't.

When her family moved out into the country, a whole new world erupted and she became Lady Persephonè of the forest. A sheltered daydreamer living in a fantasy realm running barefoot through the woods and down long gravel roads. It was a beautiful way to grow up really, keeping her oblivious to the ways of the world longer than most.

Persephonè was always naturally talented with an ability to make things look easy. Although, her daydream tendencies made her look simple minded for a while, especially in elementary school. Mainly because she didn't really know why she was there and never thought to ask questions. She lived in her own bubble. Just accepting everything that was handed to her and everywhere she was placed. While most girls were reading pop culture magazines and watching MTV videos, Persephonè was teaching herself how to make dream catchers out of fishing line and adding bird feathers she collected outside. On one occasion, she was asked by her friends what her favorite radio station was...Persephonè was perplexed. She didn't even know what a radio station was. Her mother had the radio on every day in the car and she knew a lot of songs...she just never paid attention to those details of how the world worked. When she was handed a test in elementary school, she looked down at the paper to start and was instantly lost. It was one of those fill in the bubble tests, but she wasn't paying attention to the rules. She ended up just making a pattern on the sheet. Years later she learned the test had been designed to identify gifted students, perhaps it was better this way. While learning piano though, her hands and fingers naturally took the positions as if they had done it before. Navigating around the ebony and ivory keys like a labyrinth she had already solved so many times it had become common sense. Yet, even though she loved to try anything that was offered to her, she never asked for anything. Aspirations didn't enter her mind yet. She was unaware of possibilities.

Time changes everything though...and peers. Her peers in school were actually a big part of Persephonè's eyes opening to the ways of the world. By high school, she had somehow become one of those students whose name seemed to appear everywhere. On paper she was going places, which we all know it is rarely that simple. Let's put it this way, Persephonè was fiercely independent in the softest way possible. One of those people who could be highly visible and somehow not fully belong anywhere. Popular enough to be included, but with one foot outside the circle.

Persephonè's family was humble in a way that wasn't taught. Money was never spoken about so she never knew they had less. Though, every family develops its own ecosystem to survive in as well, and it's often sprinkled with a bit of dysfunction. Persephonè's family was no different. Roles get assigned. Hierarchies settle in. It was in no way loud with dysfunction. Definitely not movie-level chaos and drama. More like a system where everyone just agrees not to say the quiet part out loud...and then call it normal. At the center of it was her older sister, Katrina. Healthy families seem to eventually outgrow their ecosystem. Others spend generations repeating them. Only time would tell how Persephonè's family would fare with Katrina at the helm.

Katrina was not the typical 'evil sister' type. That would be far too simple. She was more like gravity. Something people don't argue with, just adjust to it. And gravity in Persephonè's home harbored a pinch of OCD, anxiety and an undiagnosed mental illness. It had a way of controlling the environment behind closed doors and in public. It started with hidden moments like; who got carried when they were little...and more specifically...by whom. And also, who got corrected in public. Small stuff. The kind of stuff adults love to call 'nothing'. Which is exactly why it's so effective. School was another story though. It was easy for Persephonè. Home required interpretation. Interpreting she didn't even know she learned how to do. It was like magic in a way.

Persephone had figured out that proximity didn't necessarily mean inclusion. You could be right next to someone and still somehow be on the outside. It's a very specific kind of loneliness. Not dramatic. Developed over time from an invisible language formed by the elder sister to the youngest. One sided conversations based on looks and body language. Invisible corners to be placed into while in public so as not to draw too much attention. Many 'to be seen but not heard' moments.

School was where Persephonè was away from her sister the most and maybe that's why she seemed to thrive there. By middle school, she had started to grow out of her 'day-dream bubble. She wanted to do things. Have adventures. So when Persephone heard the announcement over the loudspeaker about joining sports, specifically the swimming team, she went straight to the lunchroom to sign up. Simply because it was there. That was the whole motivation. She hadn't thought of it prior. Katrina, who was a year ahead of her, never joined anything. But the following day, she signed up for the swim team too. Like she had quietly rewritten herself overnight. At that time in her life, Persephonè didn't think anything of it, she had no reason to. You don't really recognize patterns if you are standing inside them.

By high school, Persephone started noticing behaviors she didn't quite have language for yet. Things would shift when she shifted. Like the attention she was receiving had a tracking system. And then sometimes things would just...disappear. Again, not in dramatic fashion. But enough to make you doubt yourself, to question your sanity. She eventually had to accept that reality was slightly...negotiable. It was interesting that it was always something she held dear that disappeared. Ribbons she had won. Things that showed achievement. Eventually, she stopped trusting her memory more than the missing object.

Then came her junior year. She was voted captain of the swim team. Not Katrina, the senior. It was the kind of thing that she should have been able to celebrate. Instead, Katrina quit. Nobody could celebrate Persephone for the protection of Katrina. Just another adjustment to gravity.  The ribbons. Being voted 'Best Artist'. Becoming Homecoming Princess. An Honor roll student. Multiple Letter Awards to place on her Letterman jacket. These were all moments quietly celebrated in solitude like she was collecting merit badges for emotional survival. She received more acknowledgement away from home than from within.

And then there was the shorts incident. Which sounds minor at first glance, but would become an event that would further enforce what the rules were. You see, Persephonè had borrowed a pair of her friend's shorts after swimming in their clothes. The things teenagers do. These were special though, her friend's favorite pair. She made Persephonè promise to return them to school on Monday. No problem.

But then they were just...gone.

She sat there, paused for a moment. Like her life entered a brief buffering mode. That uneasy doubt she learned to live with surfaced. She re-checked every possible place like... maybe the shorts would respond differently the second time? They did not.

At some point it became a situation and everyone was acting like it was the laundry's fault. Her mom finally stepped in. Because eventually someone had to do something. Her solution was;

"Nobody leaves the house until they are found."

With this Persephonè knew that her mom knew who the culprit was. She also knew what her mom was doing. She was navigating gravity. And that was the tricky part. Her solution was well thought out... Katrina had plans that night.

Running out of time and fear of being late, Katrina casually suggested checking above the ceiling tiles. Checking above the ceiling tiles? Nobody questioned the suggestion. But there they were, folded up like they were waiting inspection. The relief was short-lived, though. Watching her mother's face go from disappointment with Katrina...to instant empathy, was confusing.

After Katrina had left to meet her friends...after the secret could remain hidden...her mother finally explained. The shorts being lost was never the problem. They had been ruined. Permanently stained red. This caused Persephonè to pause. She understood now. Empathy for her sister filled her heart. She also knew someone would have to adjust the events. And it was expected to be her. Like most things in the house, there was no real resolve. Truth wasn't always about accuracy. It was about what people could tolerate.

Persephonè was to simplify the story. Lies are always easier when they're simple. The shorts had simply been...lost. Her friendship was never the same after that, and she accepted the loss because that was what was expected of her. She could handle this for the sake of her sister. And nobody talked about it again. She always wondered why she couldn't say her sister lost them though.

By the time she got to her senior year, she was unaware of what was happening to her sense of self. After all, most parts of her life were amazing and optimistic. The future looked great. Plus, there were traditions the school did for the seniors to make their last year special. Feeling special was nice. One of many events was the yearbook baby photo. A simple, fun task. Seniors submitted a baby picture along with their senior photo. Kind of like proof you survived adolescence without becoming feral. Well, Persephonè was excited to find the cutest picture she could. But upon opening the family album, she felt like her memory was not hers anymore. Because she was not there. Not one infant photo. They had been strategically removed so the album became like Swiss cheese. Like someone decided these would not be part of the record. Her existence had undergone a stealth edit.

No one had a real explanation. Which in her family, was an explanation in itself. So she used a picture that was not hers...It was Katrina's. Quietly attached below her senior photo, a reminder of the invisible tether she could not cut. Looking back, she sometimes thought that it was the most honest portrait the yearbook contained.